Apathy vs. Hate

I was  married for about 10 years. I think I spent most of those ten in the dark, literally. Hubby couldn't stand to have the blinds open especially in the morning, something about the sun hurting his eyes or whatever. --- I'm trying to get divorced and it feels like it's going to take another ten years just to extricate myself completely. He says he doesn't understand, and truthfully I don't know how he missed the writing on the wall, he wrote most of it. He checked out long before he was asked to moved out. How many sirens have to go off before you realize you are in an a state of emergency, and bring your A game to the crisis.

What I don't understand, is why it's taking so long to get this whole process over with. We have no mutual assets, oh wait the kids. But still, a year in the court system is quite ridiculous for two people who live over 700 miles apart and haven't spoken 5 times  in 2010.

I was on the phone with my BFF Kelly earlier this year and we figured out something very important. Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is the opposite of love. Hate and love are like a Likert scale (aka sliding scale) measuring the same emotive quality; passion. You can't hate someone unless you have some kind of passionate feeling for them, but to have no feeling in return is the greatest affront to love. No feeling what so ever that is the true polar opposite of love. I think that's what he doesn't understand about this moment. I'm completely truly apathetic towards him, I have no feelings outside of how his actions affect our kids. He hasn't reached apathy -- he's stuck something between hate and love. I'm not sure if he ever will move from his current emotional state, but honestly I don't care. I just want to move on with my life. What I find troubling is that he hates me more than he love the kids.

I gave all the love I had to give and it became tainted over time. His love became cancerous, and you know what you do with malignant growth? You cut it the hell out. You don't wait to see how bad it's going to get before you finally cut it out, you figure out you have cancer and you pray that you can move fast enough to beat it. It's your life or the cancer. I'm sure you can guess what I ultimately chose. The dilemma (well it's not actually a problem for me) is that, I took so long to get rid of the cancer, that it had a a while to fester and eat away at love. So that's why I can't feel anything towards him, there isn't anything left. Outside of concern for what his actions mean for my kids, I have no emotion left for him or his endeavors so long as they create no new obstacles for me to clear.

It's been nearly a year since he moved out. I feel like a new person, so much so I ought to post before and after pics. You know like the ones from Nutra-Slim or Bedazzeled commercials? I think I'm sparkling, and there might even be some glitter coming off the roof when I walk out the door. (kidding) I've accomplished more in this past year towards my personal goals than I had in the previous ten. If I needed a positive affirmation that I did the right thing, all I have to do is look back at the past 10 months. The kids and I are all trying out new experiences, growing as individuals and the window blinds are actually open in the morning.